Do you ever feel like you’re going through a tunnel? You know God is with you and you know God’s promises, but you’re just not sure about anything? You’re not sure if those promises are really meant for you to experience?
I feel like God has put me in this place…and for a reason. I don’t know yet why or the outcome. I hope I will come out of it stronger. Stronger in my faith and walk with God. A better and more committed wife. A more attentive and caring mom.
It’s been part of the reason why I’ve been off of my blog for a few months. I feel as if no good thing can come out of me right now.
But I need to continue being a mom, getting the kids dressed in the mornings, diapers changed, toddler off the potty and continue teaching her to always wash her hands with soap and water after each bathroom break. I need to keep teaching my 18 month old (with love and sternness) that he needs to obey and when I call him he needs to come to me…not run faster -in the opposite direction! Sometimes I could laugh and sometimes I could cry.
There have been so many changes since my April 1st post. Some expected and some very unexpected in their development. Some with nice endings and some not so.
One being our sudden move from our little home in Tierras Nuevas. I went into crazy overwhelming packing mode with the kiddos running around. Knowing that in less than a month we were also going to be flying Stateside for our first visit in 4 years. Lily cried when I told her why I was packing up our little home in Tierras Nuevas. Learning to be flexible isn’t always easy. This was the only home she’d ever remembered. My kids learned to walk there and she learned all her 3 year milestones there. Yeah, I was a tad sentimental too, but didn’t have much time to really sit and mull over it.
Then we needed to find a temporary home during our last few weeks, which thankfully my parents, that are 3 hours from where we work, always keep an open door for us. I love going to their house and farm! Letting the kids be on the farm and see and smell and sometimes step in the things that were so familiar to me growing up is a pretty neat experience.
Flying here was surreal and a reality check all in itself too. Lily happened to come down with fever and the infamous Bolivian “runs” to top it off for all of our 5 flights. Thankfully, I happened to pack Ibuprofen just in case in the diaper bag and several outfits and plastic bags! Landon squealed with delight when we hit freeway speeds in Salt Lake City in his Grandpa’s truck. I think he loved how fast we were traveling and all the fast cars on the highway. We usually don’t get much past 40 miles per hour ever on Bolivian roads. He loved the carpet on Grandma’s floors too. He kept jumping on it and rolling around the floor. 🙂
Really our first “Welcome to America!” moment though was the moment we hit the pavement in our shuttle to our hotel waiting out our 16 hr layover. We were both relieved at the smoothness of the road and car! I know, crazy and weird! We could hear each other talk and even whisper if we wanted. I know this is just ordinary here, but not to us. Another moment was just having to use my debit card. I was kind of unsure if it asked me for my pin number what I should do. Hoping I’d just remember how to do everything like a normal American and to not be noticed as hesitating too much. Slightly awkward, is not a flattering description. The grocery store was overwhelming. So much variety! We’re getting the hang of it all now and honestly it was so easy to slip right back into being American in America, but it has all been a culture shock of it’s own.
Then there was our first church visit with one of our awesome supporting churches. Our presentation didn’t cooperate. Not so awesome. I feel like we were so unprofessional and so so unimpressive. But that is okay. We are just us. And like every other believer, our God is the One who is Impressive. Exactly as it should be. We don’t write eloquent prayer letters and we don’t have “this many believers that we led to the Lord” or “this many churches that we started” to talk and tell about either. I don’t think people would look at us and think ” Now, these are missionaries we WANT to support- just look at the impressive investment it would be! They know how to get results!” No. All we have to tell about is how our loving God quietly worked in our very common lives and allowed us to touch different lives and be touched by others on the field. For God’s glory. We can only tell of the bridges He built in developing relationships with these very common people. We can only tell of His grace and His unending strength and provision for us through our four years on the field.
The moments 2 weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant.
I was literally surprised and excited! Tyler was super excited and Lily was already making plans for her and Landon’s baby “sister.” That little teenie tiny baby…so loved by it’s family of 4 already. I was loving the thought of all of our kids being 2 years apart. I was always hoping for that. Two years apart was perfection. Always and only one kid in diapers at a time. That was right up my alley! With furlough though and no insurance, having a baby in the States under a foreign system to what I’m used to would just be too much of a burden on us…or so I allowed myself to think. I was happy God had made different plans though. In a few days we had full insurance! Everything was going to be covered. He provided for us! My mind was at ease because this unexpected surprise was not going to be a burden after all.
Another moment…I was almost 6 weeks and I started spotting. Two days later I miscarried. I gathered it gently in my hand and wished this hadn’t been the quick ending to such a tiny sweet surprise. It had seemed like there was a whole lifetime ahead for this baby. I had already imagined labour and was still going over wether to get the epidural or not. And I had imagined cuddling this baby. I had already imagined all 5 of us walking together -the kids laughing and Ty and I feeling like our quiver was full. I could not flush it away with things unwanted. We wanted this baby. We didn’t know how best to deal with it except celebrate what we do have. So Ty and I took the kids to the aquarium for the day and that evening once the kids were snuggled to sleep in bed we buried the little teeny tiny one under a young little Aspen tree in Tyler’s parent’s yard. We prayed and asked God for strength.
Things are better now, but I have so many monumental things that only God can take care of. I have dreams…and I know that I need to trust God and have faith in His way and His timing.
I know He is good because He always has been to us and to me personally. He is the promise keeper and the uplifter to those that cry out to Him. He is the possessor of all the Earth -even our modern 21 Century Earth as we know it. He does want what is best for us. He does want to love and bless us. He is a wonderful mighty God. He asks us to seek Him first and to commit/give all our ways to Him and He will then answer with what is absolutely best and most beautiful because it’s His perfect individualizes tailor made answer for us personally.
I know where to go from here. I know where I should be and where I want to be. Walking by God. And I’m kind of excited and fearful because my needs are HUGE HUGE HUGE! Massive! I know that through all of this God is preparing to do something. I’m excited to see what, but at the moment still tired and feeling like a little mole that hasn’t seen the light of day for a while, but I know it’s there and very close by.